Burnout/depression cont.

Here are some words I wrote towards the end of the year last year. Maybe even in early January. Still trying to get out of this burnout I’ve been in. This seems to help. It’s so strange to really not be able to feel much, when a couple months ago I was feeling so much and so intensely. It’s still so strange to feel the cycles because the perception shift. It’s a total different lense, which everyone experiences on some level it’s just so strange still how quick and drastic they can come. I’m currently wondering how the hell I’m gonna make it through another 2 years of graduate school then somehow keep a consistent practice of some sort. It’s seems like God wants me to start a holistic spiritual healing center and I have no idea how I could ever keep consistent enough to do that. Especially when the longest job I’ve kept has been like a year and half. But things are better and keep changing.  I don’t have Bipolar so severe I can’t function like some, but I have it enough where the work I find meaningful to do is still a pretty difficult challenge. Anyway, here’s those words:

Oh the pain.. we must drain the pain.. bleed it out to let love reign.. Feels insane, unsafe, untamed, never meant to be unbridled hate. Dark yearns for light just the same. Learn to see beneath the screams and dreams of lost lonely souls shoved down and tortured like the holy ghost of Christmas Past last year to this year and forever future now lying to save face earn grace and hope the illusion holds cause the flame has lost its glow and it’s so cold sold to empty fake frauds gaudy haughty products of the naughty and nice list shattered by an iron grip.. I hope to God we learn to remember what we used to know.. – thoughts from old soul

Song called Why

I wrote this song back in college called Why. Recorded this version today in my apartment. Seems to help me get out of a depression when I sing about being depressed. My voice is beautiful. Thanks neighbors! Lyrics below.

 

It’s 3 o’clock in the afternoon and I haven’t left my room

My brain is spilling over and I’m predicting certain doom

It’s a game I always pretend, but it’s a game I never win

But I still try to beat it, by making the world stop its spin

It’s hopeless fight I know, but I can’t let go

This won’t be over in 30 minutes, this isn’t TV show

So I lay in my bed and I feel like I’m dead, and once again I block out the world 

with a pillow over my head

 

It’s the third day in a row, that I couldn’t let go

of the things that matter the least, cause to me they matter the most

Now what the hell am I to do? when I dont have a clue

and I can’t let go of thoughts that just aren’t true

So I’m a wreck, I’m a mess, I’m a cliche, but it doesn’t hurt any less

This I must confess, that

I don’t know who I am, and I don’t know why

 

So I sit and I scream, but only silently 

and I hold it in, try to fit in,

am I really smiling?

Run, run away,

Don’t listen to, what they say.

Or stay, stay and hide,

But you can’t hide from what’s inside your mind

 

Good God? (Was it worth it? Part 2)

Is there always a goal? Was there meant to be? What’s structure? And who defined it as right? And why?

The goal of being is to simply be. That’s still a goal. So are we conditioned by people to have a goal? Or was that something written in us inherently?

Why something and not nothing? I like nothing sometimes. I like feeling nothing. It gets tiring to care all the time. Even empty nothing about anything is still something, though, so the only thing I can’t be free of seems to be something. Some might call that reality or responsibility, rationality, or even structure. But is it so necessary for those things all the time either? Do we need to define it? And did God create them or are those concepts we came up with? I don’t know. If you’re still reading maybe that’s something that you don’t get either, ’cause sometimes it seems like my thoughts are a bunch of nothin’ but maybe you’re finding something in them. 

Anyway. So why anything at all? I experience joy and happiness, and I can enjoy it better now again, but was it worth all the hate, prejudice, sin, segregation, slavery, oppression, or whatever else to give anyone a chance at experiencing joy? Because to feel joy, there seems a need to have the freedom to not experience it. So was it worth it?

Seems like people connect more where we’ve been hurt than where we feel happy, if I’m honest. And honestly, I feel more alive when someone shows me they aren’t so happy than when I feel I’m supposed to be happy. So who made up that idea of happiness?

If existence is about learning, and the learning we’re doing is more about unlearning, then why let us learn what we must unlearn now anyway?

I want to destruct somedays. Why is that so bad? Is it really even fair to call it self-destructing? To what standard? That happiness standard someone decided? Or God?

Having God with me means I can cope with anything, but why the need to cope in the first place?

It seems like God made this place and set it up so the only way to cope with it was with him. This is not something I’ve just read, I’ve experienced it too, but isn’t that pretty manipulative? I made this place but it’s only bearable with me. Why would I want to be a part of that?

I hear some people say, I just want God to fix this mess, which I get, but why did he make us at all when he saw that we would make this mess? Is there a purpose for the fall? Did we have to fall from grace to understand grace? And is this understanding needed for a better place in the future? Does that mean the fall for his glory as well? It seems like if that’s true, then the Holocaust would also be for His glory, and I don’t know if I can get there yet.

This isn’t a new question. I’m obviously not the first person in time to ask it. But if you if haven’t wondered about it, I find that sad. When I look back I remember thinking this a long time ago. But I just moved on then eventually come back to it because it really never gets answered. People just kept telling me to stop being so negative. Be fun Cam, we like him better. Only be the Cam we like. Don’t be sad Cam. It hurts us too much. I get that. So think about the people I was thinking about then who don’t even have the opportunity to sit here to think about this, write this, and post it. 

Furthermore, did you get confused when I shifted in the middle to a bunch of questions? If you did where did you learn that was confusing? When was logical, defined as logical for us? And by whom? And how much does that serve to seperate us than connect us? And how much does that serve to be a way to punish ourselves and each other for not measuring up to that standard? I find myself creating an opinion for a position for an argument before someone is even done talking. Where did that come from, and why did we feel that was so important?

And finally, why would a good God make a place where any of this could happen? And why would he still make it, knowing that it would?

 

Was it worth it?

So, here’s where I’m at. If God knew we would fall and all the devastation and destruction that sin causes would occur, why would he ever think creating humanity would be a good idea in the first place? Most would say He loves us so much and wanted a relationship with us so badly it was worth it. Honestly, I look around and reflect on the touch of suffering I’ve encountered directly or indirectly in my short 30 years and I really don’t see how God can say it is worth it. If that sounds ungrateful that’s cause it kind of is, but I would find it harder to believe that you’ve never felt this way than if you have.

But I don’t like the idea of someone suffering on my behalf. When I reach out to friends or family in painful times, it helps so much, but I usually feel so guilty, like they think “why are you so intense or emotional or depressed so much?” “Why can’t you just have fun ever?” I bet if they were honest, that’s probably true on some level. But I really I think I don’t like someone carrying a bit of my burden because I don’t believe I’m worth it, and to believe I am is arrogance. Ultimately, I don’t really believe I’m worthy of love. It’s ok, I’d guess more people don’t feel worthy than do.

So, the idea that it was worth God creating a world He knew was going to be wrecked with terrible disease, abuse, neglect, anguish, sorrow, pain, fear, and more, and for his Son to come down to take all of that upon himself just to give us the possibility of an intimate, loving relationship with Him is very difficult for me to accept. It tends to cause me more guilt than freedom. I have had many experiences with the infinite perfect Love that he offers that helps me see that it is worth it. But the fact that so much of the world has fallen apart for me to experience those moments is often too hard of a pill to swallow.

Inspired by Fire

Lately, I wrote some prose/poetry (not exactly sure what you would call it) inspired by a quote from probably the most well known and cited author on Bipolar, Kay Redfield Jamison. The book is called Touched With Fire, and it looks at the overlap between artist temperament and psychopathology (mental illness.) Here’s the quote then my work is below it:

“We have seen that the creative act always involves a regression to earlier, more primitive levels in the mental hierarchy, while other processes continue simultaneously on the rational surface—a condition that reminds one of a skin-diver with a breathing-tube. (Needless to say, the exercise has its dangers: skin-divers are prone to fall victims to the ‘rapture of the deep’ and tear their breathing-tubes off—the reculer sans sauter of William Blake and so many others….) The capacity to regress, more or less at will, to the games of the underground, without losing contact with the surface, seems to be the essence of the poetic, and of any other form of creativity.” – from Touched With Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison

 

Became pain to create. Lost, fell way to the floor of the ocean dark depths cracks lasted so long but now gone rose raised came back up to the surface deep breath gasp breech the glass waves regain the deranged senses lenses cleansed.. oh no it’s all bad I’ve done so much wrong wait none not all bad reframe some good some great ride the spiral through the next cycle live die resurrect natural pattern divinely inspired cut the wires held up by smoke touched with fire bolts of voltage so strong can’t handle it alone thank god for holding me cosmic dust bursting at the seams spirituality and dreams energy so extreme screaming thoughts so loud can’t hear reality.

I’m home.

Calm peace within a storm waters wakes placid lake cool breeze beach daze feel the tides hydrate cells membrane divide breath expands contracts sun warms bright simply alive inside mind drifts with the crests of the waves way away places no traces pristine peace leaves gently clean air crisp brisk quickens the heartbeat streams rivers run beneath skin seen blue as the sky high above gesthemane garden olive press lessened with divine weightless fabric assistance… singed but slighlty more trancended.

Who does God love? (indefinite incomplete list)

Who does God Love? The in crowd, the out crowd, the rejects, the popular, the poor, the lonely, the lost, the found, the wanderers, the home, the good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty, the beautiful, the fake, the real, the unsure, the certain, the torn apart, the put back together, the rich, the homeless, the clean, the unclean, the strippers, the virgins, the angry, the violent, the abused, the abusers, the anxious, the calm, the drunk, the blind, the kind, the nice, the naughty, the faithful, the unfaithful, the sober, the loving, the hateful, the murderers, the peaceful, the peacekeepers, the passive, the tyrants, the mentally ill, the mentally sound, the sinners, the saints, the weak, the strong, the sensitive, the overbearing, the just, the unjust, the left, the right, the righteous, the adopted, the single, the married, the divorced, the remarried, the independent, the born again, the slow surrendered, the addicted, the afflicted, the honest, the free, the enslaved, the humble servants, the gay, the straight, the bi, the transgender, the priest, the prophet, the liar, the pastor, the atheist, the humanitarian, the oppressor, the oppressed, the responsible, the irresponsible, the rule-followers, the rule-breakers, the sick, the healthy, the brave, the cowardly, the punk, the jock, the intellectual, the theologian, the poet, the activist, the nonviolent, the patriot, the soldier,  (More to come.)