GoFundMe Donor Thank You!

Hey!! So, I wanted to take a moment and thank my first two donors! The money they donated will go to designing a logo and getting some stickers made to spread the word about my site! Thank you both so much! For me, it takes the stress off a bit so I can function much better and also showed me that people are willing to give even when I can’t articulate myself that well, and that gave me hope. I needed some hope. My motto is “can’t love or live without taking a risk” and sometimes that risk can’t make you lose your mind a bit.. So, thank you, thank you, thank you. It gives me a little bit of confidence and faith to keep moving forward. Praise God!

If you are new to my page, here is the link to my GoFundMe if you would like to check out why I’m raising money in this season. Please check it out and donate to the cause if you feel moved. Thanks!

I wanted to make an amendment to the part about Ritalin, though. Every breakthrough tends to be amazing at first, then there’s comes an adjustment/maintence phase. Personally, I find that I am affected by so many factors on a very intense level. I even feel the moon cycles and the weather. I believe we all feel that to some extent, but some or more sensitive or aware than others. It’s kind of like how some people can throw a baseball better than others. We’re all different in gifts and make-up, but equal in worth and dignity. So, Ritalin helped me but I’m still learning how much and when to take it. I went full in at first and it lost it potency pretty quickly. But I tried it again last night after letting it drain out of my system a bit and it worked pretty well. The other parts of being able to function are not too much screen time, exercise, organic eating, non-organic eating, contemplative (or meditiative) prayer, being outside, being inside, playing music, writing, journaling, processing, talking to friends, being with people, solitude, silence, stillness, sleeping well, working late when it’s time to, and taking other medications.

So, as it all is part of the process and ever changing, (like the weather, especially on the Front Range) writing about it all can be difficult to express. It’s hard to talk about one topic without bringing up the rest because as much as we like to classify things, everything is actually interacting with each other and changing all the time, including while I’m writing this. It’s almost like we need a new (or remember an old) language to learn how to communicate this. This is bold statement that I haven’t quite worked out, but I believe I may have a Way I’ve come to see the world that might be a step towards understaning each other better, understanding God better, and communicating life as it happens in the evolution of consciousness we are continually in.

We’ll see where this goes. Stay tuned.

Consistently Inconsistent, Saints

Inconsistently consistent. Who u gonna call? Maybe. I have nothing new to say. Stick to the Liturgy.

  World’s changing. Like usual. Saints, rebels, prophets, philosophers my friends, hunting for good Will. Hey, I’m not that clever. What’s normal is what usually happens.

     Sickness abyss.desperate anything. consciousness drifts so quick. In and out up and down left right inside out head heart body spirit glides to infinite finite night light to dreams forever. Formula: no formula. Broke poet knows it. Lone but not really. reality casualty. Unreality more real to me as the battle draws near.

“Rafe gradually discovered the secret of how he could be in close touch with those whom he had loved…and from there, with the whole communion of saints. “When you’re a true hermit,” he once told me, “you’re never alone.”

Bourgeault, Cynthia. Love is Stronger than Death: The Mystical Union of Two Souls (p. 49). Monkfish Book Publishing. Kindle Edition.

My heart sold callousness for decades and a deck a’ cards. Heart yard sale. Gripes against humanity. Crimes against profanity. Morality chained me to puberty. I’m looking for an analogy to set me free from sour sponges. pierce my lungs so I can breathe. Sick of friends coming through a screen tv. Homesick for the holidays. I’ve been right all along. Like trying to speak but only screams come out and no one can listen when u shout.  Where have they been? Held me in. Chain me free. But what would I write about then? Everything happens as it is meant. Predestined? Calvin? It’s more like what we need, when. What do you see?

I’m not crazy. Just don’t feel like translating (yet)

5 dollars (or 100). Hope

So honestly, I am completely out of money again. As of today, I have one dollar in my account. I’ve been working on all sorts of ideas but haven’t been able to complete anything totally. I’m actually gonna find a job soon but it will be weeks before I get paid. At this point five dollars will get me a long way. You can buy a Hope Token to help me out for $5 at the bottom of the Home Page. I wrote that GoFundMe and it seems like it didn’t really land. I really don’t know how to please people or market. I don’t really look at the world like most so I don’t know how to do this. I’ve been working on all sorts of ideas but haven’t been able to complete anything totally because I’ve been stressed about money. I have moments where I have peace about it, but I still wonder what my responsibility with money is. I only know how to be honest and transparent and that gets exhausting. Which is why on Instagram it probably looks like everythings great and I’m not desperate. But really I’ve been trying to rest and have some fun to take the stress off my mind so I can think and hopefully I could turn it in to some sort of draw in the long run. That’s kind of how my mind and moods work: I’m not really interested in earning money, specifically, and whenever I try to force myself to do something to earn money it basically kills my productivity and performance anyway. The Ritalin also actually stopped working when I publish the post about “ADHD, Blink, Trust, and the Need for Genuine” and I don’t take it anymore because it makes me all meth’ed out and itchy.

So, frankly, like I said, I have one dollar in my account and five dollars will get me a long way. Please go to the bottom of the Home Page and buy a Hope Token so I can eat tomorrow. Here’s a song by one of my favorite bands Manchester Orchestra that basically says where I’m at, except I’ll take 5 dollars instead of a 100. (But I’ll also take 100.) Thank you.

GoFundMe Round Two

Hey, so if you’ve been following me, I started a GoFundMe about a week ago but then deleted it soon after. (It’s kind of my thing) You can read about the story behind that if you’d like three posts back. Today, I found my nerve and worth again and decided to make a new GoFundMe, to help me out my financial situation, upgrade this site, and help me pay for some needed counseling so I can get back to a regular job. The link is below and the podcast link I mention is here too. Thank you to whoever my words might be connecting with enough to help me out.

Also, I wanted to note that I realize the emails don’t always have the media links and I’m working on how to change that.

Start at 18:30

Cat-like Thief, StoryReBrand? ..War and Peace

John 10:10 New International Version (NIV)

10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Curiosity killed the cat-like thief immediately succeeding allegiance with the King. Invisible armies, fantasy meets reality. Science take a back seat, YOU. CAN’T. SAVE ME. Not from the thief. Not from death decaying rotting insides, walking dead zombie, fake alive, love burning like curling irons cause evil and holy can’t coincide, claws pricking my mind, voices taunting suicide, meds mixed with grain alcohol burning my stomach lining, throat choked when I awoke, soul left me for a beat, voice so persecuting, how dare you breathe so selfishly. How you dare you want to enjoy anything. How dare you think you’re anything. how dare you strive to be alive...

Pragmatic asthmatic. psychosomatic drug addict? Holistic placebo effect? Nope. But thank God for Ritalin and modern meds. shit, elect a kid, the anthem. Lurch in my stomach tract. Colon antiseptic for the Comeback Kid. Bill Clinton. StoryRebrand? Same 7 aspects that make the frame. Can we change the frame? Or is it so engrained? And is it engrained because we keep to the same? ..Strange he talks about winning the day. The day’s not mine to win. Win it for the King and we all benefit. Fought the good fight, ran the race, Paul wrote. Business is another medium, ok. My business is lit. like an ice machine. Bullshit artistic. Love the way my mind melds but how can I keep a job to pay rent? Home Ec. Guess I’ll write transparent and see if anyone will pay for it. Hope Tokens. Who said I’m not supposed to have pride? Father of lies. Died and rotting inside but watered back to life. No longer reside in the house of unholies. Only have One homie. I know what good music is. The shit that makes me breathe again. The end.

What’s life without the war? Peace? We are created for joy, Tolstoy, Anatomy of the Soul (science come back now) Except some of us have been so shattered we don’t get the pony this side of eternity… So the King flows through us ..Dreaded rhythmic predictable consistent stability. What motivates me if not fear? Taken by the invitation. Drawn rather than driven. Caught by the winds of destiny, passengers of eternity, released from grips of scarcity, self-emptying from me to We, gifted with authority, protected from the enemy, always with me, give and receive freely, anxious for nothing, friends and strengthens mightily, teaches the truth that sets me free, gives me rest…gives me rest…gives me rest.. Today the future looks brighter than the past.

And now for something completely familiar, As to be in plain sight

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among

Things that change. But it doesn’t change.

People wonder about what you are pursuing.

You have to explain about the thread.

But it is hard for others to see.

While you hold it you can’t get lost.

Tragedies happen; people get hurt or die; and you suffer and get old.

Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding. You don’t ever let go of the thread.1 – “The Way it Is” by William Stafford

And now for something completely similar. Familiar is where we cling or connect. Me too. Schism to the prism. Everybodys got a dark side. Why hide? Bring the dark to light and it subsides. Still feels strange to reside in the light for too long of a time, though… What’s the “light” anyway? Hope, joy, love, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, kindness, and self-control. Can I live that way all the time? No, so forgiveness, mercy, and grace. For these lies. These thoughts aren’t mine. Bludgeon to the heart head gave them a gap to head in and make camp. NF knows WHY. Made a career first, now he’s on The Search. I’m living in reverse. Blessing, a curse. Everything happens it should. Kairos. What’s 30 to eternity? Came to do lightwork, 144, and into the Shadow is where to go. Heal the crevasse. Trust. Consistent confidence. Confidently own lack of confidence and transcend. Pop Punk Manic Depressive Adult Kid Walking Contradiction best in Pure patient acceptance. fear and hate fade and peace takes its place…

“The ADHD world is curvilinear. Past, present, and future are never separate and distinct. Everything is now.” – Dr. William Dodson https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/decoding-the-adhd-mind/

“Clock time (chronos) is divided into minutes, hours, days, and weeks, and its compartments dominate our lives. In chronological time, what happens to us is a series of disconnected incidents and accidents that we seek to manage or subdue to feel in control of our lives. Time becomes a burden unless we convert it into God’s time. God’s time (kairos) has to do with opportunity and fullness of meaning, moments that are ripe for their intended purpose. When we see time in light of our faith in the God of history, we see that the events of this year are not just a series of happy or unhappy events but part of the shaping hands of God, who wants to mold our world and our lives…We see the events of the day as continuing occasions to change the heart. Time points beyond itself and begins to speak to us of God. God’s time is timeless. Kairos contains both past and future events in the present moment. Words like after and before, or first or last, belong to mortal life and chronology. God is all in all, the beginning and end of time, and the deeper meaning of history. To gain this wider perspective, we first look backward to see how the seemingly unrelated events of our lives have brought us to where we are now.”

– Nouwen, Henri J. M.. Discernment (pp. 84-85). HarperOne. Kindle Edition.

“You can trust a guy in a mask to tell you the truth” – Bob Dylan