Runnin’ from saying somethin’ (guitar jam, new soundcloud page)

Hey, so honestly sometimes it can take a lot of effort to take all my thoughts and emotions and put them into a congruent, polished piece of work into the physical world for others to enjoy. I’m not the only one, of course, that’s kinda the whole deal as an artist or writer or whatever your medium is. Some people struggle with blockages or having not enough ideas, I tend to run heavy on the otherside where I have lots of ideas but it’s hard to make them into something complete before my mind jumps to a new idea.

So, today, having lots of emotions and shit running through my head, I decided to simply record about a 20 min guitar jam on my phone. Then, as it actually kinda turned out cool, I had the idea to make a Compassionate Rebel [317] soundcloud page so I could share it. So, I did, and the link is below.

If you listen close, maybe you can hear how I have an idea then I jump to another idea before the phrase or song is really complete. It’s interesting, because over the years I’ve noticed it’s usually right when I’m about to say something truest to me, or to what I believe in my core. Right when I’m about to make that vulnerable leap and make a statement (“bring it home” some call it,) I fear rejection, and then I jump to another idea to quell my anxiety. So, anyway, I wanted to share this cause that’s where I’m at today, and even if it’s not exactly polished or congruent, it still feels good to show the world a part of me. Thanks for reading.

10:48 – reverb only feature on my Fender Vaporizer amp
18:30 – back to usual

GoFundMe Donor Thank You!

Hey!! So, I wanted to take a moment and thank my first two donors! The money they donated will go to designing a logo and getting some stickers made to spread the word about my site! Thank you both so much! For me, it takes the stress off a bit so I can function much better and also showed me that people are willing to give even when I can’t articulate myself that well, and that gave me hope. I needed some hope. My motto is “can’t love or live without taking a risk” and sometimes that risk can’t make you lose your mind a bit.. So, thank you, thank you, thank you. It gives me a little bit of confidence and faith to keep moving forward. Praise God!

If you are new to my page, here is the link to my GoFundMe if you would like to check out why I’m raising money in this season. Please check it out and donate to the cause if you feel moved. Thanks!

I wanted to make an amendment to the part about Ritalin, though. Every breakthrough tends to be amazing at first, then there’s comes an adjustment/maintence phase. Personally, I find that I am affected by so many factors on a very intense level. I even feel the moon cycles and the weather. I believe we all feel that to some extent, but some or more sensitive or aware than others. It’s kind of like how some people can throw a baseball better than others. We’re all different in gifts and make-up, but equal in worth and dignity. So, Ritalin helped me but I’m still learning how much and when to take it. I went full in at first and it lost it potency pretty quickly. But I tried it again last night after letting it drain out of my system a bit and it worked pretty well. The other parts of being able to function are not too much screen time, exercise, organic eating, non-organic eating, contemplative (or meditiative) prayer, being outside, being inside, playing music, writing, journaling, processing, talking to friends, being with people, solitude, silence, stillness, sleeping well, working late when it’s time to, and taking other medications.

So, as it all is part of the process and ever changing, (like the weather, especially on the Front Range) writing about it all can be difficult to express. It’s hard to talk about one topic without bringing up the rest because as much as we like to classify things, everything is actually interacting with each other and changing all the time, including while I’m writing this. It’s almost like we need a new (or remember an old) language to learn how to communicate this. This is bold statement that I haven’t quite worked out, but I believe I may have a Way I’ve come to see the world that might be a step towards understaning each other better, understanding God better, and communicating life as it happens in the evolution of consciousness we are continually in.

We’ll see where this goes. Stay tuned.

5 dollars (or 100). Hope

So honestly, I am completely out of money again. As of today, I have one dollar in my account. I’ve been working on all sorts of ideas but haven’t been able to complete anything totally. I’m actually gonna find a job soon but it will be weeks before I get paid. At this point five dollars will get me a long way. You can buy a Hope Token to help me out for $5 at the bottom of the Home Page. I wrote that GoFundMe and it seems like it didn’t really land. I really don’t know how to please people or market. I don’t really look at the world like most so I don’t know how to do this. I’ve been working on all sorts of ideas but haven’t been able to complete anything totally because I’ve been stressed about money. I have moments where I have peace about it, but I still wonder what my responsibility with money is. I only know how to be honest and transparent and that gets exhausting. Which is why on Instagram it probably looks like everythings great and I’m not desperate. But really I’ve been trying to rest and have some fun to take the stress off my mind so I can think and hopefully I could turn it in to some sort of draw in the long run. That’s kind of how my mind and moods work: I’m not really interested in earning money, specifically, and whenever I try to force myself to do something to earn money it basically kills my productivity and performance anyway. The Ritalin also actually stopped working when I publish the post about “ADHD, Blink, Trust, and the Need for Genuine” and I don’t take it anymore because it makes me all meth’ed out and itchy.

So, frankly, like I said, I have one dollar in my account and five dollars will get me a long way. Please go to the bottom of the Home Page and buy a Hope Token so I can eat tomorrow. Here’s a song by one of my favorite bands Manchester Orchestra that basically says where I’m at, except I’ll take 5 dollars instead of a 100. (But I’ll also take 100.) Thank you.

GoFundMe Round Two

Hey, so if you’ve been following me, I started a GoFundMe about a week ago but then deleted it soon after. (It’s kind of my thing) You can read about the story behind that if you’d like three posts back. Today, I found my nerve and worth again and decided to make a new GoFundMe, to help me out my financial situation, upgrade this site, and help me pay for some needed counseling so I can get back to a regular job. The link is below and the podcast link I mention is here too. Thank you to whoever my words might be connecting with enough to help me out.

Also, I wanted to note that I realize the emails don’t always have the media links and I’m working on how to change that.

Start at 18:30

And now for something completely familiar, As to be in plain sight

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among

Things that change. But it doesn’t change.

People wonder about what you are pursuing.

You have to explain about the thread.

But it is hard for others to see.

While you hold it you can’t get lost.

Tragedies happen; people get hurt or die; and you suffer and get old.

Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding. You don’t ever let go of the thread.1 – “The Way it Is” by William Stafford

And now for something completely similar. Familiar is where we cling or connect. Me too. Schism to the prism. Everybodys got a dark side. Why hide? Bring the dark to light and it subsides. Still feels strange to reside in the light for too long of a time, though… What’s the “light” anyway? Hope, joy, love, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, kindness, and self-control. Can I live that way all the time? No, so forgiveness, mercy, and grace. For these lies. These thoughts aren’t mine. Bludgeon to the heart head gave them a gap to head in and make camp. NF knows WHY. Made a career first, now he’s on The Search. I’m living in reverse. Blessing, a curse. Everything happens it should. Kairos. What’s 30 to eternity? Came to do lightwork, 144, and into the Shadow is where to go. Heal the crevasse. Trust. Consistent confidence. Confidently own lack of confidence and transcend. Pop Punk Manic Depressive Adult Kid Walking Contradiction best in Pure patient acceptance. fear and hate fade and peace takes its place…

“The ADHD world is curvilinear. Past, present, and future are never separate and distinct. Everything is now.” – Dr. William Dodson

“Clock time (chronos) is divided into minutes, hours, days, and weeks, and its compartments dominate our lives. In chronological time, what happens to us is a series of disconnected incidents and accidents that we seek to manage or subdue to feel in control of our lives. Time becomes a burden unless we convert it into God’s time. God’s time (kairos) has to do with opportunity and fullness of meaning, moments that are ripe for their intended purpose. When we see time in light of our faith in the God of history, we see that the events of this year are not just a series of happy or unhappy events but part of the shaping hands of God, who wants to mold our world and our lives…We see the events of the day as continuing occasions to change the heart. Time points beyond itself and begins to speak to us of God. God’s time is timeless. Kairos contains both past and future events in the present moment. Words like after and before, or first or last, belong to mortal life and chronology. God is all in all, the beginning and end of time, and the deeper meaning of history. To gain this wider perspective, we first look backward to see how the seemingly unrelated events of our lives have brought us to where we are now.”

– Nouwen, Henri J. M.. Discernment (pp. 84-85). HarperOne. Kindle Edition.

“You can trust a guy in a mask to tell you the truth” – Bob Dylan