GoFundMe Donor Thank You!

Hey!! So, I wanted to take a moment and thank my first two donors! The money they donated will go to designing a logo and getting some stickers made to spread the word about my site! Thank you both so much! For me, it takes the stress off a bit so I can function much better and also showed me that people are willing to give even when I can’t articulate myself that well, and that gave me hope. I needed some hope. My motto is “can’t love or live without taking a risk” and sometimes that risk can’t make you lose your mind a bit.. So, thank you, thank you, thank you. It gives me a little bit of confidence and faith to keep moving forward. Praise God!

If you are new to my page, here is the link to my GoFundMe if you would like to check out why I’m raising money in this season. Please check it out and donate to the cause if you feel moved. Thanks!

I wanted to make an amendment to the part about Ritalin, though. Every breakthrough tends to be amazing at first, then there’s comes an adjustment/maintence phase. Personally, I find that I am affected by so many factors on a very intense level. I even feel the moon cycles and the weather. I believe we all feel that to some extent, but some or more sensitive or aware than others. It’s kind of like how some people can throw a baseball better than others. We’re all different in gifts and make-up, but equal in worth and dignity. So, Ritalin helped me but I’m still learning how much and when to take it. I went full in at first and it lost it potency pretty quickly. But I tried it again last night after letting it drain out of my system a bit and it worked pretty well. The other parts of being able to function are not too much screen time, exercise, organic eating, non-organic eating, contemplative (or meditiative) prayer, being outside, being inside, playing music, writing, journaling, processing, talking to friends, being with people, solitude, silence, stillness, sleeping well, working late when it’s time to, and taking other medications.

So, as it all is part of the process and ever changing, (like the weather, especially on the Front Range) writing about it all can be difficult to express. It’s hard to talk about one topic without bringing up the rest because as much as we like to classify things, everything is actually interacting with each other and changing all the time, including while I’m writing this. It’s almost like we need a new (or remember an old) language to learn how to communicate this. This is bold statement that I haven’t quite worked out, but I believe I may have a Way I’ve come to see the world that might be a step towards understaning each other better, understanding God better, and communicating life as it happens in the evolution of consciousness we are continually in.

We’ll see where this goes. Stay tuned.

5 dollars (or 100). Hope

So honestly, I am completely out of money again. As of today, I have one dollar in my account. I’ve been working on all sorts of ideas but haven’t been able to complete anything totally. I’m actually gonna find a job soon but it will be weeks before I get paid. At this point five dollars will get me a long way. You can buy a Hope Token to help me out for $5 at the bottom of the Home Page. I wrote that GoFundMe and it seems like it didn’t really land. I really don’t know how to please people or market. I don’t really look at the world like most so I don’t know how to do this. I’ve been working on all sorts of ideas but haven’t been able to complete anything totally because I’ve been stressed about money. I have moments where I have peace about it, but I still wonder what my responsibility with money is. I only know how to be honest and transparent and that gets exhausting. Which is why on Instagram it probably looks like everythings great and I’m not desperate. But really I’ve been trying to rest and have some fun to take the stress off my mind so I can think and hopefully I could turn it in to some sort of draw in the long run. That’s kind of how my mind and moods work: I’m not really interested in earning money, specifically, and whenever I try to force myself to do something to earn money it basically kills my productivity and performance anyway. The Ritalin also actually stopped working when I publish the post about “ADHD, Blink, Trust, and the Need for Genuine” and I don’t take it anymore because it makes me all meth’ed out and itchy.

So, frankly, like I said, I have one dollar in my account and five dollars will get me a long way. Please go to the bottom of the Home Page and buy a Hope Token so I can eat tomorrow. Here’s a song by one of my favorite bands Manchester Orchestra that basically says where I’m at, except I’ll take 5 dollars instead of a 100. (But I’ll also take 100.) Thank you.

Inspired by Fire

Lately, I wrote some prose/poetry (not exactly sure what you would call it) inspired by a quote from probably the most well known and cited author on Bipolar, Kay Redfield Jamison. The book is called Touched With Fire, and it looks at the overlap between artist temperament and psychopathology (mental illness.) Here’s the quote then my work is below it:

“We have seen that the creative act always involves a regression to earlier, more primitive levels in the mental hierarchy, while other processes continue simultaneously on the rational surface—a condition that reminds one of a skin-diver with a breathing-tube. (Needless to say, the exercise has its dangers: skin-divers are prone to fall victims to the ‘rapture of the deep’ and tear their breathing-tubes off—the reculer sans sauter of William Blake and so many others….) The capacity to regress, more or less at will, to the games of the underground, without losing contact with the surface, seems to be the essence of the poetic, and of any other form of creativity.” – from Touched With Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison

 

Became pain to create. Lost, fell way to the floor of the ocean dark depths cracks lasted so long but now gone rose raised came back up to the surface deep breath gasp breech the glass waves regain the deranged senses lenses cleansed.. oh no it’s all bad I’ve done so much wrong wait none not all bad reframe some good some great ride the spiral through the next cycle live die resurrect natural pattern divinely inspired cut the wires held up by smoke touched with fire bolts of voltage so strong can’t handle it alone thank god for holding me cosmic dust bursting at the seams spirituality and dreams energy so extreme screaming thoughts so loud can’t hear reality.

I’m home.

Calm peace within a storm waters wakes placid lake cool breeze beach daze feel the tides hydrate cells membrane divide breath expands contracts sun warms bright simply alive inside mind drifts with the crests of the waves way away places no traces pristine peace leaves gently clean air crisp brisk quickens the heartbeat streams rivers run beneath skin seen blue as the sky high above gesthemane garden olive press lessened with divine weightless fabric assistance… singed but slighlty more trancended.