5 dollars (or 100). Hope

So honestly, I am completely out of money again. As of today, I have one dollar in my account. I’ve been working on all sorts of ideas but haven’t been able to complete anything totally. I’m actually gonna find a job soon but it will be weeks before I get paid. At this point five dollars will get me a long way. You can buy a Hope Token to help me out for $5 at the bottom of the Home Page. I wrote that GoFundMe and it seems like it didn’t really land. I really don’t know how to please people or market. I don’t really look at the world like most so I don’t know how to do this. I’ve been working on all sorts of ideas but haven’t been able to complete anything totally because I’ve been stressed about money. I have moments where I have peace about it, but I still wonder what my responsibility with money is. I only know how to be honest and transparent and that gets exhausting. Which is why on Instagram it probably looks like everythings great and I’m not desperate. But really I’ve been trying to rest and have some fun to take the stress off my mind so I can think and hopefully I could turn it in to some sort of draw in the long run. That’s kind of how my mind and moods work: I’m not really interested in earning money, specifically, and whenever I try to force myself to do something to earn money it basically kills my productivity and performance anyway. The Ritalin also actually stopped working when I publish the post about “ADHD, Blink, Trust, and the Need for Genuine” and I don’t take it anymore because it makes me all meth’ed out and itchy.

So, frankly, like I said, I have one dollar in my account and five dollars will get me a long way. Please go to the bottom of the Home Page and buy a Hope Token so I can eat tomorrow. Here’s a song by one of my favorite bands Manchester Orchestra that basically says where I’m at, except I’ll take 5 dollars instead of a 100. (But I’ll also take 100.) Thank you.

Lycanthropy (repost)

Hey, so a couple posts ago I stated that I would repost some words that I had deleted. I said I wanted to redeem what many refer to as a “highlight reel” of social media that tends to display only the good parts of one’s life. However, I admitedly tend to overcompenstate in that pendulum swing and hardly show the fun, happy moments of my life. So, I decided to delete that post and post some more positive posts in it’s place. The truth, however, is that up until very recently it wasn’t too often that I was truly able to enjoy friendships or family time, and it was through my decision to expose as much as my struggle to people and God that I was able to grow and be affirmed in who I was, where I was at, in those moments that I am now able to enjoy social interactions in person, and truly have joy again, as I described in my last post. To me, God wants us to be in good, joyful community where we celebrate who we are as people and are able to support each other through the struggle of letting that inner True Self show again (or as others might say, becoming more like Christ.)

So I would still like to reshare my two sets of words that I took off because they contain my struggle of becoming who I truly am, and it seemed that some people may have connected with that, and that’s so exciting and affirming to me. So, here is one of them called Lycanthropy that I wrote last summer when I realized my mood can sometimes be affected by the lunar cycles and seasons, especially when I have been eating very clean and am very spiritually clean as well. When I realized this, I thought it was really funny, because it occured to me I’m like a werewolf. So I Googled “werewolf” and the term “lycanthropy” came up. Turns out it is a term in folk tales that describes someone turing into a werewolf, which then reminded me of a +44 song called “Lycanthrope,” which listening to reminded me of HS when I was dating a girl and I realized most of my memories include snow on the ground, which explains a lot of depressed mood! Anyway, there’s a lot more to this set of words, but I’d rather let it speak to you. If you are interested in any of the references in the content, let me know in the comments or send me an email! Thanks for reading!

(extra note: +44 is the band Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker started after Blink 182 broke up. “Lycanthrope” is embedded at the bottom if you’d like to listen)

lycanthropy. the Mystery. when the moon wanes and waxes til empty. visceral. i see the tides i hide behind. get tired of cracking lenses. get tired of making friends with, enemies. yes this is the life to me. but why so serious? joy twisted with tragedy. cant love or live without taking a risk. without jumping off a cliff, without believing poetry, screaming violently, tearing at skin sleeves and mind reams with dreams of highlights and skylights, the city so esteemed.  i miss the rain. the hot rain in the south. its too good here. good hurts. u crazy. its too safe, secure. somethings gonna leave me. dont act like u dont know what. think. sand beneath the feet. only stays on the beach. # hey theres a tweet. except its also at the bottom of the ocean. gettin drowned under thousands of pounds. all the way down. til there is no sound to be heard above the surface. no secret crowds. no air allowed. but oxygen tanks. shit. I’m sick of it. ..consumed. gotta get it need this to fill that. im all outta whack, cant feel nothing, mindhacked like a macbook. hooked up and cooked up like a slab of meat to eat with a little treat. take another trip to the store. buy another pint of ice cream. buy some more fake sweet drink. drink it up fool. americone dream. wake up you’re asleep. i was talkin about me.