Consistently Inconsistent, Saints

Inconsistently consistent. Who u gonna call? Maybe. I have nothing new to say. Stick to the Liturgy.

  World’s changing. Like usual. Saints, rebels, prophets, philosophers my friends, hunting for good Will. Hey, I’m not that clever. What’s normal is what usually happens.

     Sickness abyss.desperate anything. consciousness drifts so quick. In and out up and down left right inside out head heart body spirit glides to infinite finite night light to dreams forever. Formula: no formula. Broke poet knows it. Lone but not really. reality casualty. Unreality more real to me as the battle draws near.

“Rafe gradually discovered the secret of how he could be in close touch with those whom he had loved…and from there, with the whole communion of saints. “When you’re a true hermit,” he once told me, “you’re never alone.”

Bourgeault, Cynthia. Love is Stronger than Death: The Mystical Union of Two Souls (p. 49). Monkfish Book Publishing. Kindle Edition.

My heart sold callousness for decades and a deck a’ cards. Heart yard sale. Gripes against humanity. Crimes against profanity. Morality chained me to puberty. I’m looking for an analogy to set me free from sour sponges. pierce my lungs so I can breathe. Sick of friends coming through a screen tv. Homesick for the holidays. I’ve been right all along. Like trying to speak but only screams come out and no one can listen when u shout.  Where have they been? Held me in. Chain me free. But what would I write about then? Everything happens as it is meant. Predestined? Calvin? It’s more like what we need, when. What do you see?

I’m not crazy. Just don’t feel like translating (yet)

Was it worth it?

So, here’s where I’m at. If God knew we would fall and all the devastation and destruction that sin causes would occur, why would he ever think creating humanity would be a good idea in the first place? Most would say He loves us so much and wanted a relationship with us so badly it was worth it. Honestly, I look around and reflect on the touch of suffering I’ve encountered directly or indirectly in my short 30 years and I really don’t see how God can say it is worth it. If that sounds ungrateful that’s cause it kind of is, but I would find it harder to believe that you’ve never felt this way than if you have.

But I don’t like the idea of someone suffering on my behalf. When I reach out to friends or family in painful times, it helps so much, but I usually feel so guilty, like they think “why are you so intense or emotional or depressed so much?” “Why can’t you just have fun ever?” I bet if they were honest, that’s probably true on some level. But I really I think I don’t like someone carrying a bit of my burden because I don’t believe I’m worth it, and to believe I am is arrogance. Ultimately, I don’t really believe I’m worthy of love. It’s ok, I’d guess more people don’t feel worthy than do.

So, the idea that it was worth God creating a world He knew was going to be wrecked with terrible disease, abuse, neglect, anguish, sorrow, pain, fear, and more, and for his Son to come down to take all of that upon himself just to give us the possibility of an intimate, loving relationship with Him is very difficult for me to accept. It tends to cause me more guilt than freedom. I have had many experiences with the infinite perfect Love that he offers that helps me see that it is worth it. But the fact that so much of the world has fallen apart for me to experience those moments is often too hard of a pill to swallow.