GoFundMe Round Two

Hey, so if you’ve been following me, I started a GoFundMe about a week ago but then deleted it soon after. (It’s kind of my thing) You can read about the story behind that if you’d like three posts back. Today, I found my nerve and worth again and decided to make a new GoFundMe, to help me out my financial situation, upgrade this site, and help me pay for some needed counseling so I can get back to a regular job. The link is below and the podcast link I mention is here too. Thank you to whoever my words might be connecting with enough to help me out.

Also, I wanted to note that I realize the emails don’t always have the media links and I’m working on how to change that.

Start at 18:30

Trust, Blink, Adhd, and the Need for Genuine

Welp, so I had plans to write a whole piece on ADHD and talk about it’s connections to my life and my longlasting love of the band Blink-182 using their song from 2001 “What’s my age again?” to show the connection to ADHD, and wish I had been able to get paid millions to write a song to do the same, but then I got new idea and decided to post some words I wrote last year instead. We’ll see if that one ever comes to fruition. Also, this could be confusing, I don’t know, I thought I was gonna take the time to organize thoughts and posts better in the future but sometimes what I need is to write and not need to do that, because it’s so exhausting somedays to have to do that all the time.

I also freaked out this morning after listening to Brene’ Brown talk on “The Anatomy of Trust” on Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast (link below) wondering if I was betraying my own trust by sharing being so transparent online, so I actually went and deleted my GoFundMe that I posted in the last post because it had so much transparency in it. I put a ton of work into that then in a second decided to delete the whole thing… So, lookout for another one maybe. I don’t know, if you want to help me out buy a Hope Token on the Home page, or contact me via email (compassionaterebel317@gmail.com.) I’m not really working right now so this is basically my main job. I can’t seem to figure out what’s good for me somedays. Oh well, that’s what the struggle’s all about for anyone I suppose.

I actually even went and made this site private for about an hour. But then I listened to Richard Rohr speak on the same podcast about our “need for genuine” so desperately in our world, and I decided I still wanted to be a part of that for people and myself.

So, I’m back at it and I decided the stream of words below would be a good set to share because they touch on a little of all of that. I wrote them about a year ago, I think, and they inspired by the well-known C.S. Lewis quote cited below, and ended up being a prayer by the end. I’m praying I don’t forget where all my strength, healing, hope, joy, love, peace, and anything good has come from, which is the reason I didn’t want to do what Blink did in the first place, because I knew in the end it wasn’t really about anything that really mattered, but in way it kinda does matter because everything points to what does matter. Anyway, more on that later, probably (?) For now, check out the words below, I guess. Hope you feel ’em. Grace and peace.

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory, and Other Addresses

we are far too easily pleased. not just this society. But as human beings. but why shouldn’t we be? we all rise and fall collectively. and when we’re fractured especially. when we have a steady stream of anything. we grab the nearest thing and stuff it down our empty wells. no. no one can ever tell. we think. we think so well. entertainment is beautiful but how many times before its hell?- im not saying anything. im rambling. scrambling.  indirectly. im stuck in between feeling comfortable and growing well it seems. maybe there is somehow i can slip seamlessly between each of these. walk confidently and courageously within and without boundaries as i strive to be who i’m meant to be sent to this earth by His majesty. but one can only take so much heart surgery. we all need what we need. and sometimes rest is one of those things. but what about this fear of mine? to really step out and show what i feel inside? cuz why? why would i not want to use my voice? Why would i make that choice? To squander me with passivity? To comply like it’s all alright? Hmmm i wonder why? Maybe cuz thats what we’re taught as kids? Here’s the rules and follow them? we‘re preparing you for for life they say. You better learn to behave the right way. THEN WE WAKE UP ONE DAY AND SAY. WHY IS MY LIFE SO DAMN EMPTY??? I’VE BEEN DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. I’VE BEEN CROSSING MY T’s AND DOTTING MY I’s. IS THIS REALLY ALL THERE IS TO LIFE???   No. but back to being far too easily pleased. I am on the brink I believe, after all the lord has blessed me, to forget and release back into the ease of everyday living. One of my biggest fears is forgetting all the healing, forgetting all the pain and the work been done in me, as He has showered me with gifts, but Lord please don’t let me shun you. Because I am your child and I KNOW that I love you. But this world offers so much to get lost in. Drink and play and hopeful ambition. Lord please don’t let me forget who I trust in. The One who gives and takes to remind us our source. Of true life and and true joy and is always enough. The One who without, nothing else would be. The Law points to what He knows is our best. But we cannot do it without Jesus himself. We obey because He is our friend. Let my heart always desire Him. Amen.

*Welp, late revison again, what the hell, here’s the video I was gonna reference. Enjoy. Don’t hide.