Runnin’ from saying somethin’ (guitar jam, new soundcloud page)

Hey, so honestly sometimes it can take a lot of effort to take all my thoughts and emotions and put them into a congruent, polished piece of work into the physical world for others to enjoy. I’m not the only one, of course, that’s kinda the whole deal as an artist or writer or whatever your medium is. Some people struggle with blockages or having not enough ideas, I tend to run heavy on the otherside where I have lots of ideas but it’s hard to make them into something complete before my mind jumps to a new idea.

So, today, having lots of emotions and shit running through my head, I decided to simply record about a 20 min guitar jam on my phone. Then, as it actually kinda turned out cool, I had the idea to make a Compassionate Rebel [317] soundcloud page so I could share it. So, I did, and the link is below.

If you listen close, maybe you can hear how I have an idea then I jump to another idea before the phrase or song is really complete. It’s interesting, because over the years I’ve noticed it’s usually right when I’m about to say something truest to me, or to what I believe in my core. Right when I’m about to make that vulnerable leap and make a statement (“bring it home”..as some call it,) I fear rejection, and then I jump to another idea to quell my anxiety. So, anyway, I wanted to share this cause that’s where I’m at today, and even if it’s not exactly polished or congruent, it still feels good to show the world a part of me. Thanks for reading.

10:48 – reverb only feature on my Fender Vaporizer amp
18:30 – back to usual

Welcome back, me!

So, hey, wow, it’s been a while blog world (some of you are real people right? Sometimes I think I’m writing mostly to robots.) A lot has happened in my world since my last post. The biggest news to share is I was lovingly dismissed from the Counseling Masters Program I was a student in at Denver Seminary. After being unable to show consistent mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health stability they felt it was best for my own health and protection of future clients in Internship to not allow me to take any more counseling classes until I show at least 2 years of stability.

Honestly, it caught me very off-guard. I wasn’t expecting to be officially dismissed. However, at the same time, it was a huge relief and right in-line with where I felt God was leading me to do in this season of life: living, working, writing, and playing/producing music full time. Leading up to the decison in August, I had spent the whole summer doing as much self-work as possible to learn to manage time more efficiently and feel more comfortable being able to knock out assignments, when needed. Part of me felt this may be when I have to finally “get it together” and finish a degree to finally jump into the professional world. Honestly, after all the intentional self-work I did, I felt genuinely ready to continue in the program even with my intuition and spiritual sense leading me back into writing and music. I simply could not discern if the counseling degree was part of what I needed to do the ministry I feel called to, integrating music, writing, mental health, and God as a collective, or not. In the end, I feel God made my decision for me. In the meeting where a few faculty told me thw boards decision, they made sure to convey that the decision came from a place of “we like this guy, where do we think he would thrive best?” The answer was simply not the clinical mental health world.

So, within two weeks I dropped my classes, figured out my finanical aid situation, mourned the loss of the school that became my home for two years (my Hogwarts, if you will.. its funny how many times I would interact with faculty and have images of Harry Potter scenes run through my head,) and moved off campus to my mom and stepdad’s house in another part of Denver (Hi Mom, your 30-year-old son is living at home again…) 

During the process of moving, I became somewhat emotionally paralyzed. Growing up a military kid, moving means everyone in your life is now basically gone forever (again.) So, when I started simply seeing moving boxes my psyche basically shut off in a moderate trauma response (think of it like getting in a car after being in significant accident.) So, instead of packing. I decided to go watch Toy Story 4 again by myself at the Alamo Drafthouse theatre nearby, then also take a drive to see the Front Range from the highway. Its good to cry alone in theatres, sometimes, and mountains often help me gain perspective.

However, I still wasn’t able to do much packing on my own. But through the gift of a beautiful, uncommonly loving, neighbor girl, who realized about halfway through the day before I was supposed to be moved out that I had no calvary of friends coming to help move because I was too numb to think or really approach the idea that I was actually moving from the magical place called Seminary, and the apartment was still about 60 percent full, and I wasn’t really good at packing or organizing things in general, and I had no real plan on how to do so, she decided to spend the whole weekend with me while we made probably 3 or 4 trips of a full SUV and her smaller car until late into the evening. Thank you friend 🙂 Words fail… Also, thank you to my mom and Jeff (stepdad) who spent the next day helping me clean the apartment so I could get the most out of my security deposit.

So here I am. 30, living at my parents house while I make enough cash to get my own place, and after a short period of what felt a little like a existential crisis/hakuna mata vacation compared to the rigor of Seminary life, I’m back to taking things moment to moment in rythm with the Spirit as best I can. Honestly, I’m the most genuinely happy (not manic) I have been in my adult life, and I’ve already had some good stuff happen with music (played a show Wednesay, and have another tonight) and there are many stories to tell in the coming blogs. Thank you for taking the time to read and I hope you are doing well.

GoFundMe Donor Thank You!

Hey!! So, I wanted to take a moment and thank my first two donors! The money they donated will go to designing a logo and getting some stickers made to spread the word about my site! Thank you both so much! For me, it takes the stress off a bit so I can function much better and also showed me that people are willing to give even when I can’t articulate myself that well, and that gave me hope. I needed some hope. My motto is “can’t love or live without taking a risk” and sometimes that risk can’t make you lose your mind a bit.. So, thank you, thank you, thank you. It gives me a little bit of confidence and faith to keep moving forward. Praise God!

If you are new to my page, here is the link to my GoFundMe if you would like to check out why I’m raising money in this season. Please check it out and donate to the cause if you feel moved. Thanks!

I wanted to make an amendment to the part about Ritalin, though. Every breakthrough tends to be amazing at first, then there’s comes an adjustment/maintence phase. Personally, I find that I am affected by so many factors on a very intense level. I even feel the moon cycles and the weather. I believe we all feel that to some extent, but some or more sensitive or aware than others. It’s kind of like how some people can throw a baseball better than others. We’re all different in gifts and make-up, but equal in worth and dignity. So, Ritalin helped me but I’m still learning how much and when to take it. I went full in at first and it lost it potency pretty quickly. But I tried it again last night after letting it drain out of my system a bit and it worked pretty well. The other parts of being able to function are not too much screen time, exercise, organic eating, non-organic eating, contemplative (or meditiative) prayer, being outside, being inside, playing music, writing, journaling, processing, talking to friends, being with people, solitude, silence, stillness, sleeping well, working late when it’s time to, and taking other medications.

So, as it all is part of the process and ever changing, (like the weather, especially on the Front Range) writing about it all can be difficult to express. It’s hard to talk about one topic without bringing up the rest because as much as we like to classify things, everything is actually interacting with each other and changing all the time, including while I’m writing this. It’s almost like we need a new (or remember an old) language to learn how to communicate this. This is bold statement that I haven’t quite worked out, but I believe I may have a Way I’ve come to see the world that might be a step towards understaning each other better, understanding God better, and communicating life as it happens in the evolution of consciousness we are continually in.

We’ll see where this goes. Stay tuned.

5 dollars (or 100). Hope

So honestly, I am completely out of money again. As of today, I have one dollar in my account. I’ve been working on all sorts of ideas but haven’t been able to complete anything totally. I’m actually gonna find a job soon but it will be weeks before I get paid. At this point five dollars will get me a long way. You can buy a Hope Token to help me out for $5 at the bottom of the Home Page. I wrote that GoFundMe and it seems like it didn’t really land. I really don’t know how to please people or market. I don’t really look at the world like most so I don’t know how to do this. I’ve been working on all sorts of ideas but haven’t been able to complete anything totally because I’ve been stressed about money. I have moments where I have peace about it, but I still wonder what my responsibility with money is. I only know how to be honest and transparent and that gets exhausting. Which is why on Instagram it probably looks like everythings great and I’m not desperate. But really I’ve been trying to rest and have some fun to take the stress off my mind so I can think and hopefully I could turn it in to some sort of draw in the long run. That’s kind of how my mind and moods work: I’m not really interested in earning money, specifically, and whenever I try to force myself to do something to earn money it basically kills my productivity and performance anyway. The Ritalin also actually stopped working when I publish the post about “ADHD, Blink, Trust, and the Need for Genuine” and I don’t take it anymore because it makes me all meth’ed out and itchy.

So, frankly, like I said, I have one dollar in my account and five dollars will get me a long way. Please go to the bottom of the Home Page and buy a Hope Token so I can eat tomorrow. Here’s a song by one of my favorite bands Manchester Orchestra that basically says where I’m at, except I’ll take 5 dollars instead of a 100. (But I’ll also take 100.) Thank you.

Song called Why

I wrote this song back in college called Why. Recorded this version today in my apartment. Seems to help me get out of a depression when I sing about being depressed. My voice is beautiful. Thanks neighbors! Lyrics below.

 

It’s 3 o’clock in the afternoon and I haven’t left my room

My brain is spilling over and I’m predicting certain doom

It’s a game I always pretend, but it’s a game I never win

But I still try to beat it, by making the world stop its spin

It’s hopeless fight I know, but I can’t let go

This won’t be over in 30 minutes, this isn’t TV show

So I lay in my bed and I feel like I’m dead, and once again I block out the world 

with a pillow over my head

 

It’s the third day in a row, that I couldn’t let go

of the things that matter the least, cause to me they matter the most

Now what the hell am I to do? when I dont have a clue

and I can’t let go of thoughts that just aren’t true

So I’m a wreck, I’m a mess, I’m a cliche, but it doesn’t hurt any less

This I must confess, that

I don’t know who I am, and I don’t know why

 

So I sit and I scream, but only silently 

and I hold it in, try to fit in,

am I really smiling?

Run, run away,

Don’t listen to, what they say.

Or stay, stay and hide,

But you can’t hide from what’s inside your mind