Looking ahead, Eyes aflame

Hey, here are two sets of words I wrote towards the end of the ‘falling out of life’ period referred to in the last post. The first is the second set of words I wanted to repost, and the second was something I wrote after that. I decided to post them together because I saw a common thread connecting them. The only part I’d like to explain is David is the person I relate to the most in the Bible. He’s the David from the well known ‘David and Goliath’ story, wrote many of the Psalms, and is thought to may have had bipolar. Anyway, there’s some swearing because that’s where I was when I wrote them and I’m also quoting someone else in one place. I don’t always like to swear because I believe that comes from a hurt or fearful heart and I would rather not be in that place, but I have found sometimes it helps to express that hurt or fear to break through it and get back to being in a healthier place. So, check them out if you’d like. Maybe you can relate.

Looking ahead to promised land. Hope is all I have, hope is all I have. fallen. But Faith. Voice stolen. retaken, reclaimed in the name of white robes. why can’t he stop talking about the life he’s been given? Not the only one but the only one in his origins. the kids don’t like it, Aaron Barrett. Pickle, not a cucumber, Neal Brennan. Loner punk prophet wannabe nothing something to believe in. don’t follow me, follow the King who saves from the grave, Great Physician. ..conversation observations.. ..she says she wants out, crying, can’t leave. no place to go. ..bartender cleaning glasses, chatting and laughing with regulars across the way.. I’m a crazy bitch, motherfucker, don’t trust me, don’t love me. (But will you? All of me? All of my crazy? Indefinitely? ..somebody didn’t when I was only being me..) Who suffers the most? Idk. .Keeps referencing things I don’t know. Voice alone. Loud and proud without a sound, the wise don’t talk much, listen more. ..Courage the cowardly lion left Zion sick of hidin’ stepping out in defiance nothing wrong or right about a stream of head comments, transcribin’ inscribin’ all night day long flying by the motion city capital H hero zero soundtrack crystal light methadone pills. This isn’t me. FUCK.

Do these struggles glorify You? –

I want to feel the rage of decades for days, eyes aflame, stereo raking the pavement, vox wrecking my voicebox. been feeling FAKE cuz I haven’t expressed what’s truly in my chest. heart hardened from hiding behind caffeine and whiskey. Bank hemorrhaged to cover the damage. no more nice, no more doubt, no more hold up, let me check, not sure if I’m allowed. No. Genuine kind. Genuine life. Genuine fruit from the vine. Honest questions to God prepared to hear I’m still loved.. …Scared afraid of being ripped away, so I push away. don’t get too close to me. Subtle off rhythm dance, just enough to throw off getting attached. a lot me, a little bit of an act. Don’t know who I am without some guilt and transient tragic. Biggest fear is I forget what it’s like to be fucked up, miserable, enraged, and enslaved.. Maybe this is where I truly engage confident freedom in faith, know I don’t have to be the happy people I used to hate, but find something more, like a safe place where our True Face can be known, ruled by grace, no condemnation, to laugh and play, your kid within secure, again or its maiden voyage.

– You answered with a calming peace because You know rest is what I need. David wept, sang, and praised in the Psalms. So can I. So will I.