Runnin’ from saying somethin’ (guitar jam, new soundcloud page)

Hey, so honestly sometimes it can take a lot of effort to take all my thoughts and emotions and put them into a congruent, polished piece of work into the physical world for others to enjoy. I’m not the only one, of course, that’s kinda the whole deal as an artist or writer or whatever your medium is. Some people struggle with blockages or having not enough ideas, I tend to run heavy on the otherside where I have lots of ideas but it’s hard to make them into something complete before my mind jumps to a new idea.

So, today, having lots of emotions and shit running through my head, I decided to simply record about a 20 min guitar jam on my phone. Then, as it actually kinda turned out cool, I had the idea to make a Compassionate Rebel [317] soundcloud page so I could share it. So, I did, and the link is below.

If you listen close, maybe you can hear how I have an idea then I jump to another idea before the phrase or song is really complete. It’s interesting, because over the years I’ve noticed it’s usually right when I’m about to say something truest to me, or to what I believe in my core. Right when I’m about to make that vulnerable leap and make a statement (“bring it home” some call it,) I fear rejection, and then I jump to another idea to quell my anxiety. So, anyway, I wanted to share this cause that’s where I’m at today, and even if it’s not exactly polished or congruent, it still feels good to show the world a part of me. Thanks for reading.

10:48 – reverb only feature on my Fender Vaporizer amp
18:30 – back to usual

5 dollars (or 100). Hope

So honestly, I am completely out of money again. As of today, I have one dollar in my account. I’ve been working on all sorts of ideas but haven’t been able to complete anything totally. I’m actually gonna find a job soon but it will be weeks before I get paid. At this point five dollars will get me a long way. You can buy a Hope Token to help me out for $5 at the bottom of the Home Page. I wrote that GoFundMe and it seems like it didn’t really land. I really don’t know how to please people or market. I don’t really look at the world like most so I don’t know how to do this. I’ve been working on all sorts of ideas but haven’t been able to complete anything totally because I’ve been stressed about money. I have moments where I have peace about it, but I still wonder what my responsibility with money is. I only know how to be honest and transparent and that gets exhausting. Which is why on Instagram it probably looks like everythings great and I’m not desperate. But really I’ve been trying to rest and have some fun to take the stress off my mind so I can think and hopefully I could turn it in to some sort of draw in the long run. That’s kind of how my mind and moods work: I’m not really interested in earning money, specifically, and whenever I try to force myself to do something to earn money it basically kills my productivity and performance anyway. The Ritalin also actually stopped working when I publish the post about “ADHD, Blink, Trust, and the Need for Genuine” and I don’t take it anymore because it makes me all meth’ed out and itchy.

So, frankly, like I said, I have one dollar in my account and five dollars will get me a long way. Please go to the bottom of the Home Page and buy a Hope Token so I can eat tomorrow. Here’s a song by one of my favorite bands Manchester Orchestra that basically says where I’m at, except I’ll take 5 dollars instead of a 100. (But I’ll also take 100.) Thank you.

GoFundMe Round Two

Hey, so if you’ve been following me, I started a GoFundMe about a week ago but then deleted it soon after. (It’s kind of my thing) You can read about the story behind that if you’d like three posts back. Today, I found my nerve and worth again and decided to make a new GoFundMe, to help me out my financial situation, upgrade this site, and help me pay for some needed counseling so I can get back to a regular job. The link is below and the podcast link I mention is here too. Thank you to whoever my words might be connecting with enough to help me out.

Also, I wanted to note that I realize the emails don’t always have the media links and I’m working on how to change that.

Start at 18:30