5 dollars (or 100). Hope

So honestly, I am completely out of money again. As of today, I have one dollar in my account. I’ve been working on all sorts of ideas but haven’t been able to complete anything totally. I’m actually gonna find a job soon but it will be weeks before I get paid. At this point five dollars will get me a long way. You can buy a Hope Token to help me out for $5 at the bottom of the Home Page. I wrote that GoFundMe and it seems like it didn’t really land. I really don’t know how to please people or market. I don’t really look at the world like most so I don’t know how to do this. I’ve been working on all sorts of ideas but haven’t been able to complete anything totally because I’ve been stressed about money. I have moments where I have peace about it, but I still wonder what my responsibility with money is. I only know how to be honest and transparent and that gets exhausting. Which is why on Instagram it probably looks like everythings great and I’m not desperate. But really I’ve been trying to rest and have some fun to take the stress off my mind so I can think and hopefully I could turn it in to some sort of draw in the long run. That’s kind of how my mind and moods work: I’m not really interested in earning money, specifically, and whenever I try to force myself to do something to earn money it basically kills my productivity and performance anyway. The Ritalin also actually stopped working when I publish the post about “ADHD, Blink, Trust, and the Need for Genuine” and I don’t take it anymore because it makes me all meth’ed out and itchy.

So, frankly, like I said, I have one dollar in my account and five dollars will get me a long way. Please go to the bottom of the Home Page and buy a Hope Token so I can eat tomorrow. Here’s a song by one of my favorite bands Manchester Orchestra that basically says where I’m at, except I’ll take 5 dollars instead of a 100. (But I’ll also take 100.) Thank you.

Trust, Blink, Adhd, and the Need for Genuine

Welp, so I had plans to write a whole piece on ADHD and talk about it’s connections to my life and my longlasting love of the band Blink-182 using their song from 2001 “What’s my age again?” to show the connection to ADHD, and wish I had been able to get paid millions to write a song to do the same, but then I got new idea and decided to post some words I wrote last year instead. We’ll see if that one ever comes to fruition. Also, this could be confusing, I don’t know, I thought I was gonna take the time to organize thoughts and posts better in the future but sometimes what I need is to write and not need to do that, because it’s so exhausting somedays to have to do that all the time.

I also freaked out this morning after listening to Brene’ Brown talk on “The Anatomy of Trust” on Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast (link below) wondering if I was betraying my own trust by sharing being so transparent online, so I actually went and deleted my GoFundMe that I posted in the last post because it had so much transparency in it. I put a ton of work into that then in a second decided to delete the whole thing… So, lookout for another one maybe. I don’t know, if you want to help me out buy a Hope Token on the Home page, or contact me via email (compassionaterebel317@gmail.com.) I’m not really working right now so this is basically my main job. I can’t seem to figure out what’s good for me somedays. Oh well, that’s what the struggle’s all about for anyone I suppose.

I actually even went and made this site private for about an hour. But then I listened to Richard Rohr speak on the same podcast about our “need for genuine” so desperately in our world, and I decided I still wanted to be a part of that for people and myself.

So, I’m back at it and I decided the stream of words below would be a good set to share because they touch on a little of all of that. I wrote them about a year ago, I think, and they inspired by the well-known C.S. Lewis quote cited below, and ended up being a prayer by the end. I’m praying I don’t forget where all my strength, healing, hope, joy, love, peace, and anything good has come from, which is the reason I didn’t want to do what Blink did in the first place, because I knew in the end it wasn’t really about anything that really mattered, but in way it kinda does matter because everything points to what does matter. Anyway, more on that later, probably (?) For now, check out the words below, I guess. Hope you feel ’em. Grace and peace.

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory, and Other Addresses

we are far too easily pleased. not just this society. But as human beings. but why shouldn’t we be? we all rise and fall collectively. and when we’re fractured especially. when we have a steady stream of anything. we grab the nearest thing and stuff it down our empty wells. no. no one can ever tell. we think. we think so well. entertainment is beautiful but how many times before its hell?- im not saying anything. im rambling. scrambling.  indirectly. im stuck in between feeling comfortable and growing well it seems. maybe there is somehow i can slip seamlessly between each of these. walk confidently and courageously within and without boundaries as i strive to be who i’m meant to be sent to this earth by His majesty. but one can only take so much heart surgery. we all need what we need. and sometimes rest is one of those things. but what about this fear of mine? to really step out and show what i feel inside? cuz why? why would i not want to use my voice? Why would i make that choice? To squander me with passivity? To comply like it’s all alright? Hmmm i wonder why? Maybe cuz thats what we’re taught as kids? Here’s the rules and follow them? we‘re preparing you for for life they say. You better learn to behave the right way. THEN WE WAKE UP ONE DAY AND SAY. WHY IS MY LIFE SO DAMN EMPTY??? I’VE BEEN DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. I’VE BEEN CROSSING MY T’s AND DOTTING MY I’s. IS THIS REALLY ALL THERE IS TO LIFE???   No. but back to being far too easily pleased. I am on the brink I believe, after all the lord has blessed me, to forget and release back into the ease of everyday living. One of my biggest fears is forgetting all the healing, forgetting all the pain and the work been done in me, as He has showered me with gifts, but Lord please don’t let me shun you. Because I am your child and I KNOW that I love you. But this world offers so much to get lost in. Drink and play and hopeful ambition. Lord please don’t let me forget who I trust in. The One who gives and takes to remind us our source. Of true life and and true joy and is always enough. The One who without, nothing else would be. The Law points to what He knows is our best. But we cannot do it without Jesus himself. We obey because He is our friend. Let my heart always desire Him. Amen.

*Welp, late revison again, what the hell, here’s the video I was gonna reference. Enjoy. Don’t hide.